It’s not the truth that we are this way. It’s just an old childhood hurt. But it is a hurt that we will do almost anything to avoid feeling.
Any circumstance that triggers this core issue is subconsciously perceived as threat. In an automatic attempt to avoid this threat, we fight, resist, hang on and withdraw. It’s the avoidance of this hurt that sabotages the relationship.
Let’s say that you and I have a relationship. No matter how wonderful you are, you will never be wonderful enough to keep my hurt from being triggered. And when it gets triggered, I won’t notice that I have a nerve that is being struck. I will only notice what triggered it. YOU!
Subconsciously, I will perceive you as a threat. In an automatic attempt to avoid this threat, I put up my walls of protection and become judgmental, critical or controlling.
This then triggers your hurt. In an automatic attempt to protect yourself from me, you put up your walls of protection. You then become judgmental, critical or controlling toward me.
Then my core issue gets triggered even more. Then I become more critical of you. This strikes your core issue and you become more critical of me. Then I become more critical toward you.
Without knowing, we create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of hurting, attacking or withdrawing from each other. This cycle then goes on and on without either person noticing his or her role in the conflict.
All we can see are the actions of the other person. We don’t notice that those actions are merely symptoms of the cycle of conflict.
Anytime you have a cycle of conflict, you have two people whose core issues are clashing. It’s this clash of core issues that creates the conflict and it’s the cycle of conflict that destroys the experience of love.
Fortunately, the process of ending the cycle of conflict is relatively easy and it only takes one person.
This is because two people are needed to keep the conflict going. It’s like a tennis volley. As soon as one person stops returning the serve, the volley is over.
The cycle of conflict is the most common underlying condition, but there are more. Hanging on is another. The more someone hangs on, the more that person pushes the other person away.
Whatever the underlying condition is, it will be fueled by the automatic, subconscious avoidance of a very specific hurt. Finding and healing this hurt, or core issue, is one of the most important things you can ever do. Until you do, you will be forced to repeat the past.
Once you discover the underlying condition that sabotages your relationship you get power over your situation. Once you find and heal the hurt that fuels it, the condition disappears and the situation clears up.
You have the ability to restore the love in any relationship. You just need to know how.
The information in these articles is valuable, but knowing it intellectually won’t change your life. Getting it in your heart will. That’s the purpose of our programs.
If you want to make a profound difference in your relationships, attend our workshops and make an appointment for individual support.
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