As this distance grows, you become defensive, critical and quick to anger. Upsets become more frequent and more severe. You create more and more distance. Soon the relationship that began as a dream turns into a nightmare.
This is the course of most relationships. They start out great and then go downhill. Then we get a new relationship and start the same process all over again.
If you want to be effective in your relationships, you need to learn how to remove distance. This is one of the keys to maintaining love.
The most effective way to remove distance is to communicate your upsets. Say what you are upset about. Get it off your chest.
Look at the times in your life when you’ve been upset and got it off your chest. Notice what happens to the upset. It goes away, the distance disappears and the love comes back.
Communicating upsets is an important part of a great relationship, but have you ever had a time when you communicated your upset and your situation got worse.
This happens when you communicate for the purpose of blaming, attacking, being right, or changing someone. When you do this, you put the other person on the defensive. That person then gets upset and fights to protect him or herself from you.
To avoid this problem, communicate in a way that makes it safe for the other person to hear what you have to say. You do this by making sure your communication isn’t threatening.
Communicate for the purpose of removing distance and restoring love. Don’t communicate for the purpose of blaming, attacking, being right, or changing someone.
Take your full 100% responsibility for your being upset. Don’t blame the other person unless you want to argue.
The best way to communicate an upset is to find the hurt that’s under your upset and communicate that.
Instead of saying “What’s wrong with you? Why did you do that to me?” put the focus on your hurt. Say, “You did what you did, and I feel sad. I feel invalidated and I feel like you don’t love me anymore.”
Put the focus on yourself, not on what the other person did. Besides, it’s your upset. When you blame the other person for your upset, you get to keep it. When you take responsibility for your upset, you can let it go.
Now it’s time to look at the other person. When the other person has an upset, the rules change. This is because the other person may not know how to communicate.
Your job is to pull the upset out of the person. Ask what the person is upset about and encourage the person tell you how he or she feels.
If the person is ranting and raving, that’s fine. It’s much better to have the upset expressed than to have it kept inside. Keep pulling the upset out. Don’t fight it.
Listen to what the person has to say and listen to the communication from his or her point of view. You don’t have to like what’s being said or even agree. You don’t have to do anything. Just listen.
“Yes, you are angry. You feel I let you down. You hate me. Yes, I understand. I don’t blame you. Is there anything else?”
The communication may not be true, but it’s true to the other person, and that’s what counts.
The more you can appreciate and understand what someone is upset about, the more the upset disappears. When you listen to what the other person has to say, you take the wind out of that person’s sail.
By having the other person release his or her upsets, you remove distance and restore the love in your relationship.
Do everything you can to prevent distance from accumulating in your relationships.
Go to the next section.
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