This makes me 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love and you are 0% responsible. You are 0% responsible because you are just reacting to me.
The other side of the coin is also true. How you treat me determines how I respond to you.
If you are loving and supportive, I will respond one way. If you are judgmental, critical or controlling, I will respond another way. This makes you 100% responsible.
Both of us are totally, 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love, but this is not what we have been taught.
We have been taught that there is only one responsibility. Either you are responsible or I am responsible, or we cut it down the middle, 50/50.
This is what we’ve been taught, but it’s not the truth. Everyone is responsible. When we believe that there is only one responsibility, we get into serious trouble. Here’s how:
Let’s say that you and I have a problem in our relationship. Since I know that there is only one responsibility it’s easy to find the source of the problem. It’s you.
Then I get trapped. I get trapped because when I point at your 100%, I’m telling the truth. You are responsible. And since I have found the source of the problem, I don’t have to look any further.
Blaming you keeps me stuck. It also takes away my power.
When I blame you, I’m saying that you are 100% responsible. In the same breath, I’m saying that I am 0%, and if I am 0% responsible, I have 0% power.
As long as I focus on your 100% responsibility, I can’t see mine, and when I can’t see my 100%, I can’t see what needs to be done.
Whenever you blame someone, you may be telling the truth, but you are also giving that person all your power. You make yourself a victim and you lose your ability to take effective action.
To get your power back, stop blaming the other person and find your role in the problem.
If you are in a cycle of conflict, notice that you have been fighting the truth of the way that person is. Notice that you did not make sure that the other person felt loved, accepted and appreciated. Notice that you have been judgmental, critical and maybe controlling or hanging on.
Notice that the other person got hurt, put up his or her walls of protection, and gave it right back to you. Then you got upset and became more critical of the other person.
Notice that you single handedly destroyed the love and fueled the conflict in your relationship.
This is not a fun thing to see, but it’s the key to getting your power back and it’s the key to ending the cycle of conflict. You may need to stretch to see your 100%, but it will be well worth your effort.
No matter what the problem is, if it’s in your life, you have something to do with it. Once you see your role, you can take effective action.
Sometimes we end up with someone that is abusive or has other serious problems. We still have something to do with the situation. We picked the person and we allowed ourselves to stay in a destructive environment.
When you are unable to see your role in a problem, you make yourself a victim. You destroy your ability to take effective action and you force yourself to repeat the past.
The information in these articles is valuable, but knowing it intellectually won’t change your life. Getting it in your heart will. That’s the purpose of our programs.
If you want to make a profound difference in your relationships, attend our workshops and make an appointment for individual support.
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